An Experiential Log of Chronic Illness and Other Weirdness

Chronically ill people live life by constantly pushing themselves. If we don’t feel like cooking, we whip out a recipe, dig in the pantry, and cook anyway. When we got up in the morning, if we feel like puking and feel a magnetic pull toward our beds, we battle through, get in the shower, and start the day. Go to Wal-Mart. Meet and disciple our friend. Do the laundry. Take care of ailing, aging parents. If we’re fatigued and feverish, we smile, keep calm, carry on, and crash from exhaustion as soon as humanly possible.

It becomes a way of life to push, push, push. And sometimes, we don’t know when to call it quits. We convert inner cries to throw in the towel into pep talks to push a little harder. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can … Problem is, this way of handling non-stop illness can make us insensitive to the needs of our own bodies.

This was the case for me Sunday morning. I really thought I could handle going to church. I took my shower the night before so I wouldn’t have to rush as much, and I skipped Sunday School. I was tired on the way to church, but I didn’t feel overly taxed …

Until I laughed with a few peeps and sang a few songs. Then I was d-o-n-e, done. So I walked out and fantastic Andrew was kind enough to drive me home.

I typically judge whether I can do something or not by asking myself, “Can I do this and not disrupt anyone’s life unnecessarily?” And “If I do this, what’s the likely recover time?” Most of the time, I judge pretty well, but the surgery has thrown me for a loop and I can’t seem to judge with any accuracy what will or will not be too much.

Cardiac pacemakers are becoming a pretty common thing, so perhaps you know of someone who had the surgery, was down for a week, and bounced back like a pro. This is my fourth pacemaker, and I’ve had one “bounce back like a pro” experience. This is definitely not a repeat of that experience. Just getting the surgical site to heal in a reasonable time frame has been difficult. Of course, I’m trying to heal a deep wound with very little resources, since I eat like a bird on a slightly less than rounded diet. But besides that, the pacer is set at a ridiculously high voltage, which causes challenges akin to sticking a finger in a light socket. Sort of. It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try.

Because the lead is new, they turned up the voltage for two to three months to create scar tissue, which will serve to keep the lead securely fastened in my heart. This is pretty important since, if the lead falls out, I have to go back into surgery to put it back in. Problem is, with the high voltage, I feel the lead zapping me anytime I:

-eat
-exert myself at all
-experience emotional stimulation, good or bad

I’m also experiencing a lot of blacking out and some near fainting spells if I over-do in any of the above scenarios. So – high voltage, low nutritional reserves to heal, and a delicate internal system that has been knocked silly with copious amounts of really cool drugs has thrown me for a loopedy-loop.

My point? I don’t really have one. I think I just wanted to log this pacemaker replacement experience in a place I could easily find for next replacement so I’m prepared, realistic, and free to give myself a break come post-surgery. As I said, I’m usually a pretty good judge of what I can and cannot do, but sometimes, I fail. Case in point: my attempt to scratch off a bucket list item by going hunting in the dead of winter and instead freaking my husband out by getting hypothermia. While last Sunday was not quite that dramatic, it would’ve been had I not high tailed it out of there and instead pushed through like my “guilty” conscience is always telling me to.

As I told my small group …

For now, it’s best to just keep calm and read a book. And perhaps live as a hungry hermit in a cave. Throw me a few scraps, make me nap, clean my toilets, make your own food for a while, and don’t overstimulate me emotionally. It’s a simple as that! Another great opportunity for Shaun to live out
“in sickness and in health.”

And I must say … he’s nearly perfected that calling. I often wonder what is more taxing: being chronically ill or being a constant caregiver. I won’t delve into that here, but know that we both covet your prayers. What is rough on me is rough on him, and it’s not easy for me to have a thorn in the flesh or to be a thorn in his flesh. And while we hardly ever say anything to anyone about our ongoing struggles, if asked, we would both admit that it gets tiring, overwhelming, financially straining, and just plain yuck, yuck, yucky.

I am tired from sitting up. The ticker calls me to knock it off for a while, and I think I’ll heed the warning. Thank you for listening. That is, if you didn’t accidentally start napping on the second paragraph.

I know I’ve dripped with cynicism and a little negativity in this post. But don’t worry. Be happy. I’ll be dancing the evening away on a pier in no time.

Didn’t know I could be such a free-spirited dork, did ya’? Neither did the wide-eyed couple I found staring at me at the end of this photo shoot for Ashlee’s sewing business. That’s right, people. I was hired to be a dork.

Having said that, we did get a few appropriate pics, and I’ll leave you with those images, so as not to freak you out permanently or scare you away for good.

P.S. Ashlee listed this patriotic shirt in her shop this last 4th of July. It is long past sold out, but if you like it, you can check out her shop here. She’s a super duper seamstress!

Okay! I’m really going now! This is totally enough weirdness for one day.