Dear Susan: Is Reparative Therapy a Good Thing?

Have you heard of “reparative therapy?”  Ex-gay camps?  Where they “cure” the gay out of kids and young adults?  Do they work – are they a good idea?

I am pretty sure you have read the story of Leelah Alcorn, the transgender girl who committed suicide. There is now a proposed ban on reparative therapy – Leelah’s Law – in her honor.

When a Christian parent of a gay child does a Google search or talks to their pastor, reparative therapy is often the prescribed remedy to “fix” their child.

I welcome the chance to address this question.

I write Dear Susan posts every Friday. Sometimes they will be poignant, sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes tender, sometimes funny… but hopefully always worth the read.  🙂

Here we go…

Dear Susan,

We have been a happy family. Now our son says he is gay. He has always liked church, VBS, camp, family game nights, etc. Our older son has no issues. I don’t know how to reconcile this, and we have thought about those ex-gay camps. Is that a good idea? Please, Please, Please, help us. We are scared and just don’t know what to do. Thank you, I really hope to hear from you.

Perplexed Mom

Dear Perplexed,

Please, please, please don’t subject your son to those ex-gay camps. They are a terror. If he goes, he will suffer untold abuse, learn to hate himself, and possibly to hate you. And he will come back still gay – always has been, always will be. (Sometimes people pretend they’re straight, because it’s easier than fighting that system, and their parents,  but they come out again sooner or later.) One young man said, “I can’t change what I didn’t choose.” That’s exactly right. If you ask your son if he chose to be gay, he will say, “No, Mom! Why would I choose this?” He has an idea of the rejection and struggle he will face. He may have even prayed for it to ‘go away.’ Please do not punish him for something he didn’t even choose.

Exodus International tried for 37 years to make people ‘not gay anymore.’ Recently, Exodus closed its doors the Exodus president admitted “reparative therapy” does not work, and he apologized for having hurt so many people in the process. I implore you not to trust someone who says they can change or fix or heal your son; they are just preying on your fears about your son being gay.

Your son does not need to change, or be fixed or healed. They are who they are – perfectly created. There is no question about God’s love and acceptance for your son – there is only a question about your love and acceptance of him.

Parents tell me time and again that when they ask God about their God child, when they listen to their hearts, when the follow the Spirit inside of them, they know that the right things is to just to love them, accept them, embrace them.

Remember that we live in a religious, behavior-focused culture that does not accept homosexuality, but God has shifted culture many times throughout history, and it is happening now. There are countless people, pastors, churches who have awakened to God’s heart and truth about this. You want to be open to that shift too.

Reparative therapy is and has always been a nightmare. It is ineffective, based on lies, and has had devastating and tragic results on individuals and on families.

My sweet Mom, I know you are confused and worried. Breathe. Let God be God. You be Mom and err on the side of love and remember… you can never love too much or too fully.