I Sacrificed Myself to Myself: The Fruits Fall

This series is a series on my mystical experiences in indo-european polytheism. I cataloge the exact experiences in these articles:

1. I Sacrificed Myself to Myself: An Introduction
2. I Sacrificed Myself to Myself: Reaching up the Tree, Begging for its Fruits to Fall
3. I Sacrificed Myself to Myself: The Fruits Fall
4. I Sacrificed Myself to Myself: The Return Gifts of Sacrifice

My Fourth Soma Experience

While liftoff was commencing, my adventurer companion started asking questions. But I was in this cave that I knew was myself. Kind of like a k-hole and kind of like how autistic people describe being in a cavern or back of a tunnel. At the bottom of the cavern was this miniature labyrinth. When I looked down at it, I went inside it as if were large. I could see the labyrinth clearly. It’s better if you read the full description of what I was truly seeing  because it has its own implications.

But a summary of the visions is that the labyrinth was the path of my life. The physical labyrinth was also my horse, my involuntary and unconscious self. When I was in it I had a lamp guiding my on my path. That lamp represented my awareness. Tapasian mystical asceticism creates a brighter light in the lamp. The center of your labyrinth is your seat of power. I call this your sovereignty seat. It’s like the seat of Brahma in the body. It is the location of you, and until you identify with what that is, you will not be your full self or take your full place in the cosmos. To get there, I have to go through the process of integrating all this gnosis and wisdom into my actions and being so that I am 100% informed by the experience.

There were many spirits in the labyrinth and they were following me as I met them. I was collecting all my attitudes, selves, and moods and bringing them to the center. I realized, like in the picture above, that I am many spirited, and those in the labyrinth were all kinds of me that take control of myself. My work now is to get all the inner spirits acting in a chorus. All aimed where my Will is aimed. And their concert out to be conducted by my singular Will, and not their many wills.

All these visions were self explanatory and have yielded loads of insight into how I work and how to integrate disparate parts into a unified whole, pointed and aimed at compassion, empathy, protecting the weak, and creating lasting meaning in the world. If you want to check out my shadow work yielded from this you can here.

I could see in the labyrinth where sometimes you circle back to be near the beginning but you see a situation in your life from a different angle. This was a geometric analogy to what parents experience when they have children and have flashbacks to their own childhood, especially the parts they’ve forgotten. There were other instances of this circle back paradigm in my own path, but you’re always seeing things from a later perspective, a more wiser one, you are seeing from behind and therefore now understand your past better. You become more understanding of why things are the way they are and how they got this way. It allows you to move closer to the seat of power within you. If you don’t face that circle back, you can only go back the way you came. A labyrinth isn’t a maze, it’s a straight line in and out that turns on itself.

I realized all of this in 60 seconds and then I said to my adventurer companion, “I’m sorry, I am trying to answer you but I am having to get through portions of myself to even tell you this much,” as I turned to look at them at the end of the cave. It felt like if I reached my arms out, I’d still be in the cave, even I knew that I was in my mind.

Just like I woke up in the temple of mirrors in my last vision, I woke up in a new temple much the same way. I started to realize that these temples were certain psychological filters I’ve described here and I was stationary in them. Once I realized that I was considering certain things very sacred that were not, like belief in my projections, or having culturally given beliefs about what love was supposed to be like.

So I was in the temple of love, which was all pink and crystalline and there I learned what all issues I had with love as a person raised in a toxically masculine over culture. Though I have not become polyamorous after this experience, I did become somewhat more polyromantic in having endearing feelings for more people. Or more correctly not feeling shamed for what romantic feelings I have had or might have for others, and for being attracted to other people to begin with. As a result, my personal relationship hit some rocks but because I wanted to move forward toward my sovereignty, and I had all these issues in my lap, and I sure the hell wasn’t going to go backward. We generally resolved them and can talk about these things freely and without worry now. I reassured my partner that we have agreements that won’t be broken, but I will not feel ashamed for wanting to express who I am. I will do what I want to do and if that involves discussion, honesty and approval, I’m fine with that. I’m fine with what’s good for my happiness but also good for my existing family. I realized that there are more people out there to love than people who love me and I’m fine with all of it.

But I was able to leave the temple of love only when I ‘sacrificed’ the shame of not being able to force myself not have romantic feelings for other people and the toxic masculinity of not being able to feel things and love to my full extent totally behind. When I left, I ended up going through this hole in the ground that lead to the net of being underworldly place again. There I saw the first mortals of the animal kingdom as some kind of base layer of coral that went up and out of my vision.

A blue flame daemon grabbed hold of my and flew me up the coral, all the way to the top of one of the columns. There I pierced a membrane and went to a platform with 9 hooded ancestors sitting there. My first thought was “Might these be the 9 mitocondrial grandmothers?!”. There were all these beings going to and fro, elves and spirits and otherworldly people big and tall around this coral system. There were ancestral souls there as well.

“Welcome back.”

…

“You have been here before, and we have missed you it has been a long time,” They transmitted their thoughts to me in my language. But it felt like my brain was putting together for me in language the pure meaning that was coming from this other place.

The explained to me that I was one of them, that I was an immortal being that was in the cycle of rebirth. They were some kind of druidesses or some kind of wise persons. I think they were the Matronae or something similar. They were weaving while talking to me, transmitting ideas right into my head.

I forget most of what they told me but after this I became a theist, extending the theme of the last vision where I realized all mortals and beings were divine and immortals. They sent me into a place they called the sacred center.

There I saw a grid of beings wrapped around a 2 dimensional spherical plane. A sphere of trillions of trillions of beings. I was in the center of this sphere and there was a tree or column in the center and some of the beings were flying around the tree, some like me were just wandering about the space, flying. This grid was comprised of all the variations of personality traits that can exist in a person. It was almost an infinite combination of minds. Some were lit up and that represented they were living, and I could tell which ones were my friends and family. I flew to be near them and they were clustered in a group. I couldn’t know the contents of their mind but I could feel their emotional selves and the state of their emotions. I tried to communicate with emotions to some of them. I could see they were plugged into this column of water with a cylinder of negative space around it that the tree was in the center of. I felt this signified they were plugged into mortal existence. I could see other people having the mystical experience, none of the beings I felt I knew, pulling their heads out of the water and looking around. It felt so real like we were all really there. I looked up at the sphere of beings and at the poles were the gods. I could see clusters of similar beings lit up and my mind projected onto these clusters, clusters of gods with similarities like Lugh, Lugus, and other Lugh variations. These sphere was like the sphere of all potential beings.

I felt like this is where we always are, and we never will exist anywhere else but this place and these illusions we plug into. I felt like all the issues in my lap were my duty to resolve and that I must help my local group resolve their issues in order for us to move on, so that the whole of the sphere can be integral and present. I don’t really know what that mean, just that my baggage needs to be handled, and when we all handle our cosmic biz and realize our divinity, will we not be caught in the same cycles that plague us. Several of the lit up regions on the sphere were like the classes of beings whom are no longer reborn. They were plugged into the water wall as well but I was totally blocked from accessing it.

The sphere was like lining up all possible dna combinations on a periodic table and the result would be a spherical diagram of all possible combinations of life, biological and non-corporeal.

I came back from the experience to 3 people on facebook telling me I appeared in their dream the night before.

My newfound theism was solidified.

Fifth

The fifth time we went out to retreat center in Burnet TX, me and two other people and we all consumed soma in the woods but ended up back in our room. The woods only works if it’s safe, and you can make all the noise you want without worry. As the we went in to our room from the woods, we all felt like there was this webbing all throughout our room. It was sticky and snotty and was like how spirit mediums describe ectoplasm. It got on me and I could feel it. I got it all off of me and went into the restroom to be by myself with the lights off.   

There I saw the world tree or world column again. It was spinning and moving and super dynamic and performing this dance and I was convinced it was doing it for its own sake. I laughed at the cosmic joke because it was clear to me, what else is the universe going to do, what else are we going to do but dance and play for its own sake? Wanting anything more only brings pain because there is nothing more, no higher purpose to it.

I saw the sphere of potential beings again, nothing new with that. I also went to a place where I was led by one of the hooded grandmothers to a library of books of all of those in the sphere, and I opened my book and went to the last page and the words were the thoughts I had previously had and when I looked at the last sentence the words started spinning in on themselves like a recursive mirror make your reflection smaller and smaller as it recurs.

Sixth

I was without soma for this experience. It was the next day after the fifth. I woke up, got on the toilet to use it for the morning. While I was sitting on the toilet  my consciousness expanded once again identifying my physical body with all the things in the cosmos.

I’m just going to quote my patheos article here.

My awareness expanded slowly at first to consider all the objects and movement in my home, but faster and faster, my awareness expanded to an entire city. In that vision, my mind was simultaneously focused on people driving, while people were walking, while buying lottery tickets and groceries, one guy was pulled over a mile from my apartment at the time. All the while, other people were sleeping, and stray dogs were digging around in piles of trash. It happened within seconds and was gone.

Were I to try to imagine a similar vision, I couldn’t be creative enough to do it. I’m also not a fan of imagined visualizations as means of gathering psychic information. I’m skeptical with a few beliefs based on experience. The more the vision grew to include other on-goings, so the more I saw, and the more I saw, then the more aware I was of Her power. The resulting product of that vision was that the immortal primordial Giantess, An Cailleach, wanted to eat me, bury me, consume me, and transform me, not metaphorically, but literally.

I don’t work with grandmother giant very much, she scares me, and I didn’t become her devotee after having been approached by her, I don’t want to be crushed by her apron rocks neither.

This post transformation vision scared me on such a deep level, and I don’t scare easily, I can only say that wherever the fear networks in the brain are located, they must’ve been getting hit with 1.21 gigawatts of electricity.

Seventh

The seventh, and final time in this series of voyages was enough for me. I had two adventurers with me, one experienced and one totally new. We started in the back yard with a fire we quickly doused five minutes into it because the experience was so intense.

The first thing that happened is that the leaves and the trees started to wiggle funny. Then the otherworld opened up and I remember feeling the grass I was sitting on with both of my hands saying, “All this wisdom always right here but I can’t get to it normally.” Things that don’t usually make sense were solving themselves and the results were being presented to me at a rate of a dozen questions about nature per second.

Then it all turned dark and uncomfortable. The wisdom pattern, or wisdom tapestry I was looking at has light spots and dark spots and I started considering truths that felt good, but then when those good truths seemed to imply dark ones as well I was forced learned instantly that you must take the good and the bad all together. Total investment in good and avoidance in bad feelings is an imbalance which causes misery. The universe can’t exist in any other configuration. Realizing good and bad come together, and that you must bear through some of it for there even to be part which is enjoyable, was a key mystery for me about why suffering exists. I immediately accepted it and then it got darker. I was ready to accept whatever I saw, all of it.

I immediately left the grassy area, which my two adventurers had also left already. I was not having a good time and the roller coaster wasn’t even a quarter to the top yet. So I went and drew a warm bath and got in it in the fetal position.

The Morrigan’s eye came down from the sky and overed over me in the tub. It was a chrysanthemum disk that had a pupil and iris and was dialating and focusing. It hovered over me for 3 hours. Morrigan was looking at all areas of my being and my life. She let me look at me, through her eyes. My life flashed before the Morrigan’s eyes. I got to see all her judgments about my life and I didn’t like what I saw. I was in awe, extreme fear, and not loving the bad things about me that I could now see that I couldn’t before. When I say she let me see from her perspective, it was like my entire worldview changed and it was a different set of standards than my own and I was just witnessing this other will judge me with these foreign standards. I am sure it was her because in the other experiences when I saw her as a sine wave, I experienced the same fear and feelings of a just-conflict loving entity.

At the end, though I was still in the tub, I felt like I lifted up and passed the Morrigan’s eye that had come down upon me. It only took a second to pass through it but it seemed in that moment that I experienced dozens if not hundreds of people suffering in that split second. I cry everything I think about it. I feel I have PTSD from it and I have been trying to heal from this experience, more than I’ve ever needed to heal from my childhood abuse. Passing through it I was cleansed of her judgements, my problems had been met with a flash of resolutions and timelines showing me what my beliefs imply on a long enough conclusion. She wants compassion from all beings for all beings, and she’s the destroyer of those who cannot muster it. She showed me visions of what a true ruler looks who is deserving of sovereignty.

After passing through her eye, I became one with all things and ascended to an island of bliss. I drained the tub. It all quickly faded and the experience was over.

Tertiary Explorations

I just remembered that I traveled a couple of time since these experience and they don’t count as initiations I feel. Without integrating the experiences, they were dark and not very fruitful. I remember though, this final time a snake which felt like that ectoplasm snotty webbing stuff crawled and fastened itself around my left forearm. To be in that state and have something crawl up you and coil around you is pretty scary. One thing is for sure, it takes less and less soma to get there.