Of Paramours, Love & War

paramour: a man’s mistress or a woman’s lover.

mistress: 1 a woman who rules others or has control, authority, or power over something; specifically, (a) a woman who is head of a household or institution; (b) a woman owner of an animal or slave. 2 a woman who has intimate relations with, and, often is supported by a man for a more or less extended period of time without being married to him; paramour.

struggle: 1 to contend or fight violently with an opponent. 2 to make great efforts or attempts; to strive; to labor; as, she struggled to overcome her prejudice.

adultery: 2 in Scripture, all manner of lewdness or unchastity; also, idolatry or apostasy.

chastity: 4 purity; unadulterated state; as, the chastity of the gospel. [Rare.]

In spiritual warfare, what we sometimes fail to realize is that struggle is good. If we are struggling — guided by right intent and an enlightened conscience * — we must understand that the struggle is good. However the world teaches us that struggle is bad. So, in our relationships, when we have a struggle — without the benefit of Christ and His Church, a pure intent seeking after righteousness, and a godly conscience — we make the wrong decisions. In time, we come to believe that the struggle is bad. Thus, every time there is a struggle, we seek either (1) to numb the struggle (through alcohol, excessive sleeping, drugs, the Internet, video games, daydreaming, movies, and other methods of escapism) instead of fighting the godly fight; or, (2) to get rid of that relationship which has, in our minds, caused us the struggle (e.g., divorce, damaged parent-child relationships, and broken friendships).

Also, in such a mobile society as ours, we don’t necessarily have to form close relationships with anyone. Thanks to the telephone, the television, and the Internet, we have multiplied and magnified our separation all the more. Were we to surround ourselves with those whom God has given us (family, friends, neighbors, etc.) we might find that the nature of the struggle would be different. That is, we tend to see ourselves in a truer light by those with whom we are in a relationship of mutual Christian love. Essentially, we should struggle as a family — not as individuals.

And, going back to my point, the struggle is good. We must begin with that in mind. The struggle is good. If someone confesses, “I still struggle with ‘X’,” the first thing that I have to remind myself, as priest and confessor, and that which I have to counsel the penitent is this: The struggle is good. The second thing which must be remembered is: the Enemy is not very original. The devil only uses that which works. Thus, if we’ve fallen before, due to a particular passion, most likely we’ll be greatly tempted by it again. Warfare is waged. Yet, where there is no struggle, the battle is already won. Whom do you think wins when we lay down our guard? God forbid that we allow the Enemy this victory! It’s when we don’t struggle that we become complacent. We become desperate. We become depressed. We become despondent. We lose hope.

When we talk about losing hope, sometimes we think of the big hope Capital “H” hope. And some of us may say, “Well, I never lose capital ‘H’… O-P-E.” And that is the Hope that at the Last Day we shall be saved. Many people hold on to that as a “given” in their life. Then, assuming that the capital “H” hope is theirs for all eternity, little by little, they lose their salvation because they lose the small h-o-p-e-s. In other words, they surrender regarding that particular area in their spiritual struggle.

It is possible to go down the list of the Passions (Pride, Anger, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Avarice, Sloth), and, for a few, claim “I don’t have a problem with that one … Or that one ….” And you can justify personal solace therein because there’s a couple of ways (methods) which you don’t use to your own damnation. Ha! There’s actually a couple of methods that you leave behind regarding your current spiritual state, struggle, and warfare. Then, at this state of delusion, we often do something that is really, really harmful. And that is, we look upon that particular Passion (Pride, Anger, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Avarice, or Sloth) and we surrender that area over to the enemy of our souls. We play poker. We gamble with our salvation. We take that one Passion in which we have lost hope of overcoming and we just give in to that one. And we kid ourselves that we are, at least, monogamous. We’re having a relationship with only one mistress. Or, we believe that one mistress does not constitute adultery. And, therefore, does not constitute the only way that we can be separated from the Bridegroom.

“Thou shalt have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3). This is the first commandment given by God to His people. Therefore one mistress is enough to constitute adultery. Only one paramour is necessary to damn us. And it is that one in which we have lost all hope that God can heal through our unworthy cooperation. We then live in a deluded state where we imagine ourselves in the Resurrection … holding hands with our mistress. We can only hold hands with the Bridegroom in the Resurrection (if we are to be saved). We can have no other — capital “S” — spouse. “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” And there is one reason, one way, that our Lord will break off His relationship with us. That is if we remain in an adulterous relationship with Pride, Anger, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Avarice, or Sloth.

St. Basil the Great elucidates the teaching of Psalm 1 thus:

Blessed, therefore, is he who did not continue in the way of sinners but passed quickly by better reasoning to a pious way of life. For there are two ways opposed to each other, the one wide and broad, the other narrow and close … Now, the smooth and downward sloping way has a deceptive guide, a wicked demon, who drags his followers through pleasure to destruction, but the rough and steep way has a good angel, who leads his followers through the toils of virtue to a blessed end. **

This is the essence of the Christian struggle. The smooth and downward slope and worldly pleasure is what tempted Adam and Eve in Paradise. It is the same temptation of Christ in the desert; it is our struggle.

This same theme is evident in the writings of the early Church. For example, in The Teaching of the Twelve Apostles we read:

There are two ways, one of life and one of death; but a great difference between the two ways. The way of life, then, is this First, thou shalt love God who made thee; second, thy neighbor as thyself; and all things whatsoever thou wouldst should not occur to thee, thou also to another do not do. And of these sayings the teaching is this Bless them that curse you, and pray for your enemies, and fast for them that persecute you.***

What follows is basically a compendium of Christ’s teachings — exhorting the good. Later, comes the exhortation to eschew evil:

And the way of death is this First of all it is evil and full of curse murderers, adulteries, lusts, fornications, thefts, idolatries, magic arts, witchcraft, rapines, false witnessings, hypocrisies, double-heartedness, deceit, haughtiness, depravity, self-will, greediness, filthy talking, jealousy, over-confidence, loftiness, boastfulness; persecutors of the good, hating truth, loving a lie, not knowing a reward for righteousness, not cleaving to good nor to righteous judgment, watching not for what is good, but for that which is evil … [Etc.] Be delivered, children, from all these. ****

How is one delivered from such temptations and trials? It is impossible for those who are fallen to walk the path of righteousness without God’s grace. This grace is freely given — but, in our sins and disobedience, we are unfit vessels for so great a gift. We must do warfare against the mistresses, the paramours, the Passions. We must, by God’s grace, strive toward the Virtues: Humility, Patience, Chastity, Contentedness, Temperance, Liberality and Diligence. How do we do this? As with any God-pleasing act little by little, day by day, moment by moment. This is the essence of the Christian struggle. The ontological goal, of course, is the Kingdom. In the meantime, such spiritual struggle aims at achieving dispassion.+

Catherine Roth, in her introduction to St. John Chrysostom’s treatise, “On Marriage and Family,” writes:

Marriage, like monasticism, is a sign of God’s kingdom, because it begins to restore the unity of mankind (and the cosmos as a whole) which has been broken up by sin. Thus marriage is both a great mystery in itself and represents a greater mystery, the unity of redeemed mankind in Christ. ++

Monogamy and fidelity are Godlike characteristics which we are all called to imitate — not only for the sake of others, but for our salvation in Christ the Bridegroom. This struggle is essential if we are to be found at the Marriage Feast of the Lamb.

May God grant us grace to flee our paramours, mistresses, and passions — daily, hourly, moment by moment — so that we may enter the Banquet clothed in a wedding garment suitable for the King. And may He be our Hope, our Love, and our God in our struggle toward Chastity until that Day.

________________________________

Notes:

Definitions paraphrased from Webster’s New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, 1979.

* – The enlightened conscience is gained in our daily warfare with the passions, our struggling toward virtue, and our relationship with Christ and His Church.

** – Joanna Manley, ed., Grace for Grace The Psalter and the Holy Fathers, (Menlo Park, California Monastery Books, 1992), 6.

*** – Alexander Roberts and James Donaldson, eds., The Ante-Nicene Fathers, Volume 7, (Grand Rapids Eerdmans, 1989), 377.

**** – Ibid, 379.

+ – In ecclesiastical Greek, ‘dispassion’ means freedom from passion through being filled with the Holy Spirit of God as a fruit of divine love. It is a state of soul in which a burning love for God and men leaves no room for selfish and animal passions.

++ – Catherine P. Roth and David Anderson, trans., On Marriage and Family Life (Crestwood, NY St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 1997), 10.