Is the Pope Catholic?

VATICAN CITY — His All Holiness, BARTHOLOMEW, Archbishop of Constantinople, New Rome and Ecumenical Patriarch, today became the first Orthodox Christian to be elected Pope of Rome since the Great Schism of 1054. BARTHOLOMEW was secretly made a Cardinal by Pope John Paul II in 2003. The rule for qualification states only that the candidate be an unmarried male of the Catholic faith. As the Church of Rome views the Eastern Orthodox as valid members of the Catholic faith, this election, though surprising, is perfectly canonical. BARTHOLOMEW was elected after only one round of ballots was cast.

Today’s election sent shock waves through ecclesiastical circles worldwide. It even had an effect on the Markets of four countries. It has been almost 1,000 years since the Church divided into East and West. Experts say full unification and consensus on all matters will not be realized for some time. However, the naming of an Orthodox Patriarch to the Papal Throne goes a very long way toward that goal.

“We had suspected, knowing the Holy Father’s longing for Unity, that something like this might take place,” said Fr Guildo Martinez of San Louppe Calistrato. “I don’t know what it all means … I mean, a Pope’s a Pope, right? Today, we’re all Catholics!”

Word out of Russia is that His Holiness Patriarch ALEXEY II boarded a jet bound for Rome moments after the announcement was made. For years, Pope John Paul had been pleading for a chance to visit the faithful in Russia. Patriarch ALEXEY, among others in authority, would not allow it. “This,” according to an unnamed Russian church spokesman, “changes everything.”

“Just last week, over beers, some of my classmates and I were talking about how cool it would be if, say, Patriarch ALEXEY was made Pope!” Charles Turner is a senior at St Vladimir’s Orthodox Seminary. “We had a scheme all worked out where ALEXEY would ascend the Chair of Peter and then, to calm American fears, they would select Metropolitan LAURUS of the Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia (ROCOR) to assume the Patriarchal see of Russia. This would help to heal at least a couple of schisms in as many days!” The ROCOR and the Church in Russia (MP) severed Communion last century due to upheavals caused by the Revolution and compromises brought about by Patriarch Sergius. In 2000 they began talks toward reconciliation. Prior to today’s election, most had thought that the reconciliation process would take at least another couple years. Today, one only wonders.

Furthermore, rumours are circulating about the purpose of ALEXEY’s hastening to the Vatican. Some have speculated that Pope John Paul, in his Will, revealed what many had long suspected: the Russian Patriarch is a KGB operative. This, in the words of the Pontiff’s last testament, is the real reason behind his not being allowed to travel to Russia during his pontificate. The Communists, who still covertly rule the land, had witnessed what had happened in formerly Communist lands when visited by the Pope in the 80s and 90s. If, as the rumours have said, this turns out to be true, the positing of LAURUS of the ROCOR as the head of the ten million member Russian Orthodox Church might not be too far off base.

Others are keeping a keen eye on the various Orthodox jurisdictions in America. The Greek Orthodox Archdiocese (GOA) is already under the Ecumenical Patriarch. The Orthodox Church in America (OCA), anxious for some time now about the possible reconciliation of the ROCOR and MP, has recently been making overtures toward Constantinople. Metropolitan PHILIP of the Antiochian Archdiocese (AOA) has previously stated that the autocephalus churches in America “would submit to the authority of the Ecumenical Patriarch if that’s what was necessary for Orthodox unity.” If, as PHILIP said, the OCA and AOA were to join together and submit to the Ecumenical Patriarchate, the combined forces — EP, OCA, AOA, GOA & Rome — would constitute the single largest Communion ever.

Vatican and Orthodox prelates realize that the opportunities are mind-boggling and many goals will take time, patience, and fervent prayers to accomplish. One of the first matters of debate will be the date of Easter (Pascha). However, just as most agree that the Filioque clause, one of the main bones of contention a thousand years ago, is best left out of the Creed — as does the Orthodox — so they also seem to agree that the dating of the annual celebration of the Jesus’s Resurrection should be celebrated according to the Orthodox Paschalion. Noting that there already exist within Orthodoxy so-called Western Rite parishes, and within Roman Catholicism Byzantine Rite parishes, Vatican officials hope that matters of ritual will not be as divisive as other topics (such as married priests, divorce & remarriage, Purgatory, and fasting requirements).

One curious development since today’s announcement has occurred within the Anglican Communion. “For years and years I have struggled with where I should go,” said Fr Bill Thompson of Chattanooga. “As a conservative man and a traditionally minded priest, I can no longer serve the Episcopal Church. Now that Rome and New Rome have reconciled, I’m ready to do as the Romans do!” Fr Thompson said that other like-minded Episcopal clergy will likely be making a move now that the scandal of multiple overlapping Orthodox jurisdictions is headed toward resolution. Judging by reports both in America and abroad, many Anglican clergy are having similar thoughts and taking similar steps. “We have turned back the clock to the days just before the Revolution in Russia,” says Bishop Tanger Whittier of East Downey. “Back then, the question was about the validity of Anglican Orders. No one ever — certainly not me in my lifetime — thought we’d see the day when THAT was the Anglican news story. God be praised!” At press time many Anglican Bishops in Africa were already scrambling to call or visit the newly elected Pope BARTHOLOMEW as soon as able.

Needless to say, media observers were caught off guard by today’s election. Many had figured John Paul’s successor would be Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria, the first black Pope. In a statement given via his assistant immediately after the announcement, Arinze said, “My election as Pope would have been novel. This, however, is extraordinary. Truly God is doing a new thing among His people. Today we are all His people.”

One source for this story may be found HERE.