BLACK FRIDAY: All Through the House

Friday, November 25, 2005, will go down as one of the ugliest days in Christmas retail history. All over the nation fundamentalist Christians squared off with lukewarm and gutless shoppers and department store workers over what to say when buying electronics.

“I usually just say ‘Thank you’,” said Amanda Griffin of Springville, Arkansas. “But today I was held with my hands behind my back and tickled until I said ‘Merry Christmas’.” Griffin went on to say that, as a faithful Roman Catholic, her family had always gone to Midnight Mass on the 25th of December and that she felt November 25th was just too early to celebrate Christmas – particularly at Walmart. “I mean, don’t they have a church? And what’s with the tickling?” she said.

Ronnie Benson is another story. He and his buddies decided to party like the English and drink all night – at least until 4:00 am – and then run through the aisles of the Anderson City K-Mart shouting “Happy Ramahanakwansamas!” Yet, at approximately 4:35 am, he and his buddies realized that Mr Daniels, Mr Beam, and Uncle Earl would only allow them to yell, “Hippie Rams A Comin’ Round My [Bottom]” and other such nonsense. All three young men were known to be very much devoted to the previous day’s feast, Thanksgiving. The early shoppers in the K-Mart that time of morning, being brighter than your average Red Bull, just figured them to be drunk.

It was a different story in Pinellas Park, Florida, where certain troubled youth decided that since they no longer believed in Santa Claus, they couldn’t believe in Jesus. Figuring they were therefore now Jews, (yet, several of the males soon left the group after hearing of entry requirements) they picketed the local 7-Eleven shouting anti-Christian slogans while wearing yarmulkes and blowing on an old conk shell. Within hours, seemingly every single Jew in the area had denounced their actions – the Hindu shop-keep even pelted them with Egg Nog – and the teens were later found kneeling with a local evangelist and (re)accepting Santa in the parking lot.

Fran Buckner, of Tynee Castle, North Carolina, said that her friend, Reverend Doctor Ernie Earl, had told her that all of this was foretold in the Book of Revelations. “He saith, and I quote, that verily the days cometh and now are when the righteous shall be persecuted by those of lukewarm belief.” When reminded that the feast of Christmas is not mentioned in the Bible – much less extravagant spending, material lust and greed to celebrate Christ’s birth – this reporter was summarily kicked out of Tynee Castle with more than a few other words not found in Revelations.

Judging by the news wires and Internet, scenes like these were reportedly happening all over the nation: Red-hot Christians warring with Luke-warm Believers, and Fundamentalists refusing to pay for their goods if told “Happy Holidays.” In fact, in one small town in Texas, many Christians were seen happily sporting black eyes. It appears that Buddie Lee Good got tired of all the nonsense and decided to punch the right eye of anyone who so much as whispered “Merry Christmas” in his direction. When Stony Grove Light House Church found out about this, they woke up all their (350) members and ordered them go tell Buddie the Good News. Buddie, who runs the local Adult Bookstore, reported his best single day’s sales ever.

All in all, it was a day that shall go down in infamy. Many Christians are now not speaking to each other, some are nursing old and new wounds, several have been spotted burning their midnight purchases in their backyards (squinting through one good eye). That said, retailers around the nation are reporting their best Black Friday sales in U.S. history.

To all, “Happy Holidays!”