Annual Lenten Superlative Awards

Pastfast, ME – Plans are currently underway for this year’s Lenten Superlative Awards Banquet at St Kismet, Gethsemane Falls. Last year’s gala saw a total of 13 awards being presented to the best and worst participants in the Great Fast.

“I think it’s a wonderful way to show our appreciation to those who lead the way,” said long-time member and infrequent faster, Billy Gullible. “Before coming to St Kismet’s, no one recognized my spiritual feats, perfect service attendance, swift prostrations, and longest prayer rope. Now, thanks to these awards, I have something to strive for!”

Sandy Cornfed was disappointed in last year’s Most Likely to Succeed recognition: “Early on, at the pre-Lenten Cheesefare dinner, I was voted most likely to succeed. Alas, I did horribly. I ate three cheesecakes that night … only to continue eating all through the Fast. I thought by ‘most likely to succeed’ they were speaking of my fasting! I was horrified to learn that many were actually betting on my gluttony. I mean, what kind of success is that?”

Tom Brittle, who looks like he has never eaten more than twice in his life, is currently the Ferocious Faster front runner. “Ain’t nuthin’ to it,” T-Bone says “… it’s all in the wrist.”

The wrist?

“Yup. If you abstain from using your wrist for the entire fast, no doubt about it: You tend to eat less.” (Suffice it to say no one’s seen Tom mowing his yard either.)

Betty Offded went home last year with the Humility Award. One would think that a memorable occasion. But, explains Betty, she was stripped of the award soon after: “All I did was place the award in a prominent place, on a lighted shelf, in my den … and the priest cried foul during my recent house blessing … and I lost the award.”

Ben Thurdonethat was actually arrested soon after his Alms Giving Award. The case is still pending, but sources say that the beggar that Ben kept giving money to was actually working for Mr Thurdonethat and it, therefore, does not count as alms giving and is actually an illegal form of tax evasion. However, Ben was commended for actually giving his award away.

Deacon Methuselah, last year’s winner of the Most Graceful Prostrator in a Long Black Robe award, has finally reached the age where he is being honoured with the coveted This Side of the Grave (Life Time Achievement) award which entitles the recipient to no longer do anything strenuous other than show up for services. “It’s taken a long, long time for me to attain this state,” said the 104 year old deacon.

Not everyone is up to speed on the competition, however …

Ernie Slack asks: “What’s a ‘prostration’ and can we eat ’em on fasting days?”

To which, Aida Walrus (always a little slow) asks: “What’s this about a fast?”

Stan Merr won last year’s Longest Lenten Confession award, but some cried foul: “Th-th-they thi-thi-thi-think that jj-j-jju-just because I stu stu stud d d d der … I c-can’t mu make a g-gu-ggood confes confes confession.”

The following will also be awarded:

Happiest Looking Faster Award

Tastes Too Good To Be Tofu Award

I Read the Rudder Religiously Award

Not to mention the most coveted —

Zero (Zilch, Nada, None) Peanut Butter Award