Modesty and Avoiding Scrupulousity

The question of modesty has come up again at Aleteia. In the ensuing discussion, a commenter asked me how someone with a propensity to scrupulosity can “err on the side of mercy” as the blogger recommended when it isn’t possible to know what might provoke a sexual response in some other person.

Of course, I don’t believe modesty requires us to mindread, so this is my response:

I argue strongly against a definition of modesty that requires trying to anticipate others’ inward responses. I do think the question of modest dress has gotten more complicated as our social “language” has become more garbled, precisely because it is harder to figure out what your clothing choices communicate in a pluralistic society in which the answer can vary wildly between families within the same community, let alone between different communities and demographics. When Wojtyla argued that modest dress is culturally determined, he compared cultures on different continents as an illustration; we could compare cultures in ZIP codes within the same country.

If you examine instead your own interior attitudes in how you present yourself to others–which includes body language, behaviour, and demeanour, as well as dress–you are looking to something you CAN honestly assess.

Did you put on that shirt because it is comfortable, suitable to your day, aesthetically appealing, or simply because it is beautiful and fills you with joy? Or did you put it on to show off how much weight you’ve lost in front of someone you dislike, to make them feel inferior? Did you pick it to try to get attention from men by manipulating their sexual responses (Notice: this doesn’t ask whether you succeed in provoking sexual responses. Even if every man around you is chaste in his responses, or if you’re not nearly as sexually irresistible as you think you are, it’s still immodest to *try* to flaunt your sexuality in order to wield some power over men)?

Are you wearing the shoes appropriate to your day, or are you wearing the expensive brand-name shoes that you know will demonstrate your status and provoke envy in women who can’t afford them? Did you buy that purse because it is really practical/beautiful/well-made, or because it is a status symbol?

If your intentions are modest, appropriate, humble, then more often than not you will tend to dress and behave in ways that end up being easier and more comfortable for those around you, both men and women. It’s possible to be immodest in “modest” dress, if your intention is to show your moral superiority–but if you are at peace in your mind and your intentions towards others, I think you will find you have a great deal of freedom to enjoy self-expression in dress and presentation.

If you want more specific advice to relieve your scrupulosity, there’s always the classic spiritual advice which really won’t ever steer you wrong (Francis de Sales said something of this sort): Wear what other people of your class, situation, station in life are wearing, but a notch less ostentatious or showy. Wear the fashion of the day, but a slightly more conservative version. Let others shine; step out of the limelight, but not in that dowdy, radical way that would be as ostentatious and showy as being a fashion-plate.